After getting back on my feet, I finally added some audio tracks to my website again (see The role of ‘light’ and ‘dark’ in politics). I hope I can get on with this again without being disturbed by all sorts of unforeseen events.
On Facebook, a text caught my eye that said something like, “Get out of your head, and feel your roots, who you really are!” Well, it’s always frustrating when I get these kinds of messages, because it tells me that the Antichrist powers that provide these messages still don’t seem to understand how I’m put together. I mean: how many times do I have to explain? It’s really not normal. You guys are really slow on the uptake. Please hire a good psychologist. I’m going to explain it here one more time!
I have been angry about something in my childhood. But this was always disapproved of with lots of agression. Structurally. So I was never allowed to be angry and lost the perception of those feelings. That caused me to be admitted at 18 to a clinic for people who couldn’t be helped anywhere else. They said I was somewhat insecurely attached, bouncing back and forth between trust and distrust, and the high-strung aggression which was generated by this, I directed against myself in the form of severe self-criticism. The therapy I received there caused my aggression to rise and I no longer directed it at myself, but at the internal objects of my parents and sister in my head. Through strict behavioral therapy, I had learned to manage this aggression so that I did not attack my therapy partners and therapists, but interacted with them constructively. So I made a split between “bad, threatening” people (my parents and sister) and “good, non-threatening” people. I was all ‘head’ then and my aggression was completely in my head. In the next therapy, the idea was to control the aggression so that I could go into a middle ground so that I would let the aggression sink into my body, making me grounded, which I could then fall back on. But this follow-up therapy went totally wrong because in the clinical therapy we had only talked about a related trauma to my sister, and they hadn’t assessed the trauma to my father, who disapproved of my anger far too early in my life, as intense as it really was. So over the past 20 years, my quality of life has continued to deteriorate, because everything I was (the aggression) was invariably rejected, so it sank further and further into my body, but the perception of it disappeared, even though I know it’s there, and that you’re actually supposed to feel it in that place in your body. So I was just an inflated ‘head’ after clinical therapy. And the more I learned to control my feelings of aggression, the worse the quality of life became in my head, the deeper the aggression sank, and the more the experience of these feelings disappeared, because of the trauma that was unfortunately still there.
So, when I am then told now that I should rely more on my foundation and get out of my head more, it is very frustrating, because life is only in my head and my heart. But I unfortunately don’t feel the incredible power of these lower feelings in my lower body anymore. Yes, I know they are there, but they are not allowed to exist, and so I cannot use them to feed my self-confidence, and my self-love. This is very disastrous for me, because I would have liked to have been healthy in my body, and throw all my power into the external world. But it just can’t be that way. It’s a debilitating trauma, one that is not recoverable, by any kind of pushing and pulling you’re doing on me. And so I’m tired of it, running up against the expectations of others every time that it will still work out. No, if you think that, then you clearly don’t understand how I’m put together. That’s totally your choice, but don’t bother me with this poor understanding of my situation. You like to make someone 100% responsible for his situation! And this bothers me too, because I know there is nothing I can do about how I feel. If something could be done about it, I would have done it a long time ago! I can only say that I received Antichrist energy over me too early in my life, when I had not yet been strengthened by Satanic energy and so I did not yet have sufficient reserves to fall back on. And this happened structurally my whole childhood. So a big step was skipped in my upbringing. You don’t get this right through therapy. The only thing you can do with that kind of problem is to bring up the aggression, so that you can still have a foundation, even if it is an inflated foundation in the head, which you then learn to balance through strict behavioral therapy. So you have to understand that what you see as very evil (aggression etc.) actually saved me and made sure that I had a foundation, which because of all the therapies and push-and-pull from you has now finally disappeared again, although you can somewhat condition someone to listen to that suppressed foundation. But really feeling it is impossible, with my trauma.
Now if there is going to be an end of the cycle soon, in which people who have purged themselves of evil move on to a better world, then all I can say is: If I make it this way, which I don’t think I will, then I will be glad that a mistake was made in therapy and that I lived through all the suffering of the past 20 years. Even if it was hard, at least it served a good purpose. But if I don’t make it this way, then all I can say is: if only they hadn’t made a mistake in therapy, then I could have lived through another 20 years with a very strong foundation, and then I could have faced my death, upon which I would have started anew at the beginning of a new cycle here on Earth.
This is such a sprawling anticlimax, though, that I hope the work I’ve done with this website can still pull me in a positive direction, even though I would still be facing my death soon. I hope that the suffering was meaningful, and that all was not in vain. I would have liked to put my money where my mouth is, but some things that are there in your life are not meant to be fixed, I read in a post, so I guess that’s another truism.
I won’t be any less amused about it than I am right now! Because seriously, I feel really amused tonight. Bizarre, under these anxious circumstances, and after everything I’ve had to deal with recently! It’s kind of like this picture! Only with an amused smile on my face! And no one will take that away from me for the time being…!
