Last week I worked very hard for a couple of days. I didn’t allow myself anything else than my work to getting the truth out, even though I don’t seem to be completely sure of anything lately. But for a moment I felt a purpose and had enough energy to do some hard work. I made several audio tracks on those days, and also a big article, with lots of links to sources. It felt incredibly good to focus on this. At the grocery store, I got confirmation that I was on the right track. I unintentionally did exactly 34.56 euros worth of groceries. Quite by chance. I interpret such an upward series as an encouragement and that I should continue with what I’m doing. I had a lot of plans in my head, and I suddenly seemed to have plenty of options. However, after posting the article What will the future of mankind be, I was so worn out, that I got some flu-like symptoms. I was very cold, and then hot again, and crawled under the covers, for a few days, to recover. I had clearly gone beyond my limits. Then I always get flu-like symptoms. I used to have that in the part-time therapy too, when I first recognized to have limits. Before that, I had no limits at all. But since therapy went wrong, I’m reaching my limits way to soon. However unpleasant I find it, it really is the truth. Saturday I felt better already and I went to a 50-year wedding party of my brother’s wife’s parents. That was a welcome distraction, and I did enjoy myself. I spent a lot of the next few days lying under a warm blanket, because I still hadn’t gotten rid of it, and I still felt drained. So that’s what happens when making some moves forward. It’s super frustrating, because I want nothing more than to perform in terms of producing works, but my limits are horrible in this prison. It isn’t laziness, absolutely not. I’m really a bit sick for some time.
Fortunately, I am now starting to find my strength again to some extent, but I still think that the entities that threaten me should know this. Because today someone who has probably been taken over recently posted another confrontational text on Facebook, about tiredness and being worn out (sorry, only in Dutch). This could of course also be about him, but since he was taken over recently and my attention is still drawn to him, I believe that they let him post this message again on purpose. I’ve seen this before with other people who were taken over. And they know that I always relate such things to myself, especially when I know they have been taken over. They conveniently use this vulnerability to make things clear to me. But guys, please, if you want to say something to me, say it directly. I’m tired of reading your thoughts indirectly. And you have no idea how unjust it is, what you want to make clear to me. If you were in my shoes, you would not do what you do! The fact of me still having to defend myself against such attacks, after all these years of misery, is ridiculous. And don’t think that if you take me over, that you will have any idea of what it was like to be me. Because in your case, my personality will then be nothing more than a bunch of memories, and it will always be mixed with your dragon consciousness, which instinctively has all the freedom inside. You will never understand what it is to be me, even if you think you do. You will not let the influences that have been on me affect you anyway. For you can always flee into your dragon consciousness, and of course that is not an option for me.
My father, who is taken over, but who came across today very much like my original father, said today that it is good to have a hobby. Woow just after he threatened me a few weeks ago for getting involved in music, an old hobby of mine. I was a bit flabbergasted hearing that. I don’t allow myself any hobby at all anymore. I don’t watch movies anymore. I don’t make music anymore. I don’t take pictures anymore. The only thing I’m still doing is serious stuff. Taking in serious information is relaxation for me now. And I share pretty much everything that goes on in me. And even then they are pushing me and I get the feeling that what I am doing is not enough. No, it’s not enough. You’re right! I should be much braver, but I’m just afraid I’m going to break down even more! I don’t feel my strength, it can’t flow freely. I keep saying this, and people who read all my writings will probably get fed up about these complaints I have about myself, but this is something I constantly struggle with. It isn’t hard to show courage, if you feel the power and you feel you have something important to say and you’re just tired of all the opposition. But showing courage when you don’t feel your strength, when you can’t perform 100% anymore, when you’ve reached your limits super fast, and when you have a fear of breaking down, now that’s hard. In this way I am moving around in circles and not lifting anything to a higher level! While I know how it feels to have power. Sometimes I think that these Antichrist entities knew about me from the moment I was born and they did everything they could to influence my father to oppose me adamantly. Poor man. Made a structural mistake purely on impulses that he had. He relied on himself, and he made a mistake in that afterwards. But when I look at myself afterwards… I would have done exactly the same. Just read the following story:
I took care of my ex-girlfriend’s cat for a while, when she couldn’t for a while. This was an incredibly sweet animal. When I was sitting on the couch, and I looked at him and patted the couch, he would always come and sit with me. If I went to work a few afternoons a week, he would meow all over the place, as soon as I put the key in the lock when I got home. We often fell asleep together, wonderful moments, but I had one boundary: he was not allowed in my bedroom when I slept at night. So I put him on the couch, wished him goodnight and then I went to the bedroom. But at some point he started scratching at the door, probably because he was afraid to be alone, but I didn’t think about that at all at the time. One time I was very tired, and he started scratching again, and then I had really had it. I became dangerous. Threw open the door and the critter flew under the couch to hide. I ran to the couch and pulled him out furiously from under the couch, and put him back on the couch, and then I sat there for 5 minutes, looking dangerous. Since then he was not the same anymore. He suffered from stress and his self-confidence was gone. He meowed pitifully every now and then. And every time he threw up mucus, over and over again. I didn’t imagine this. This was clearly as a consequence of my dangerous behavior. I had behaved exactly like my father, without having the best interest of the poor little animal in mind. I have always regretted this a lot. And so I can really shake my father’s hand as far as this is concerned. Fortunately, I have no children.
I have changed since then, and learned my lesson, but I wouldn’t have had to learn this lesson at all if they hadn’t forced me in part-time therapy to throw my aggression into contact. With a trauma as great as the one I have, this can only backfire, and you won’t get stronger from the reactions you get, but rather you slowly get eaten up more and more, until you end up in an absolute emotional prison, like I am in now. That should never have happened. Anyone who wants to read more about that can click on Life Story, for the whole story. Especially if you are somewhat psychologically savvy, it is worth reading.
Then one more thing that needs to get off my chest, because it annoys the heck out of me: all people I contact online, ignore me. I keep experiencing it. It’s driving me crazy. I understand it a little, because I think everyone I contact is eventually taken over, depending on whether I honor my responsibilities 100%. And people sense, that they are in danger. They do watch out and choose not to respond to my contact attempts. Too bad, there aren’t many people who dare to take up the fight, and follow what I’m doing. It’s frustrating, much more the rule than the exception. The same thing happens when I leave comments on YouTube, Facebook, or Twitter. People ignore it incredibly! On YouTube, my comments are usually taken down right away. I can’t post links in the comments there anyway, and I think certain words I use often are banned, and comments containing those words are then automatically taken down. On Twitter, however, most of it remains, but no one responds to it. I’m not even ridiculed by people, which I’m happy about on one side, but there’s no one asking questions, or responding, either. No, they just ignore it to pieces! Then it’s even better to be ridiculed. Some man called Nicholas Klein once said: “First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. And then they attack you and want to burn you. And then they build monuments to you.” I’m apparently stuck in the first phase. So maybe I need to step it up a notch!