I currently feel very frustrated and very anxious, with obsessive and intrusive thoughts and from time to time very sad. When will this torture stop!

Frustrating times

Since those 2 gangsters visited me (see my article An impossible choice), and I felt for the umpteenth time that my anger, and my desire to bring out the truth, was disapproved of, I feel very vulnerable. I can’t bring out the anger as anger now, but because it was rejected, it’s now sinking back into my body and now it has taken a place in my sexuality. And that’s horrible. Because I now feel raped by every man who is nice to me. They invade me, against my will. And that’s a terrible feeling. It’s what I’ve been running from all my life. It was precisely by fighting against this victimized condition, which comes from the fact that my father used to destroy me whenever I expressed my anger toward my mother or him, that I was able to stay upright. I did need my aggression for this, but it was the only way I could cope with this great trauma. But unfortunately, I am now facing it full on again. Meanwhile, the texts on Facebook are also going in this direction (read More freaky posts on Facebook). They say that just when I let go of the old, the new comes into my life and it is exactly what you need. And meanwhile, I feel like I’m being taken in my ass by taken over men who are being nice to me. Are they the new thing in life that I need? Yikes. No, thank you. It makes me tremendously anxious, and very frustrated. And very sad. I now feel like they want me to be in a relationship with a man, when I don’t want that at all. They also manipulate me all the time with these hints that it’s also what I want myself, but it’s not! It’s being forced on me, in a traumatic way. Also get compulsions again that I have to make feminine movements, and that my body looks like a woman’s, and that is almost unbearable, because I just want to be a man and direct my feelings towards women, like I could when I was in my aggression. That was the first time I felt as if I had identity, but I completely lost that identity. Furthermore, some texts on Facebook now say I shouldn’t go for women because they killed my smile. But that is purely due to being self-conscious, surely it’s not because of those women! That has especially changed very much after all the rejection I have received from all those taken over women (read the last chapter from Section 1 of my story). After that I was crying for hours here at home. And that killed my smile. It’s the fault of these entities, who wanted to give me this to process. While that completely destroyed me inside, because I needed my aggression, and it only further validated the destructive part-time therapy. In short, they want to force me into a state that I don’t want to be forced into, the state in which I destroy myself, as if that will make me better. And then they say in those texts. “It’s time now! I hope you find your strength all over again!” But I can’t find my strength again. It has been taken from me forever. I feel more in a prison than ever. I feel weaker than ever. More anxious than ever! More impotent than ever! Everything is broken! When will these entities realize that they are only destroying me further? They are incredibly retarded. They think I’m a certain way when I’m not like that at all. It’s conditional love in full action. And they say all the time, “Anger is useless!” but that is always the very thing that has given me strength. No, to the contrary, they call the destruction of my anger “strength,” but as opposed to them I call it self-destruction, and feel no strength at all! I feel more and more unhappy! And more and more in an absolute prison.

Sure! If your anger as a child was allowed to exist, then in your later life you could deal with criticism or disapproval just fine, and then everything they fire at you would benefit your development, but now it’s not, and works incredibly self-destructively. And then they call that “becoming free”. Total lunatics they are! And I wish I could stop it, all this abuse. But I have to allow it all, because I don’t have the strength to set my limit. Furthermore, they want me to break contact with my taken over family now. It’s the last thing I have, and I have to let go of that too apparently, because they don’t want to change anyway. And so they take everything from me. They call that “becoming free”. Becoming free until you are completely dead, and have nothing left to look forward to. And they love that! I have to wonder what they want to teach me and so on. I’m tired of learning. And especially from such assholes! But you can’t say that either. Then I get confrontational texts again that turn it around and say I’m an idiot. They constantly want me to listen to them and do what they say! They say I constantly make mistakes, and when you make a mistake twice, it’s a choice, but my mistakes are not choices. I make mistakes because I have baggage, and I have to keep that manageable. That’s why I make mistakes. If I hadn’t been given such baggage, I wouldn’t have made those mistakes at all. But then I probably wouldn’t have gotten so much destructive attention from them either. They further blame me for not taking action, whereas I have done until now, exactly what I was able to do and what I could handle. But first the action is beaten out of me by others, and then they start confronting me with my lack of action. Then they say it’s my fault and show me examples of people who do take action, which I find wonderful and very inspiring, but that doesn’t mean I can do it. You have to feel something like that, you can’t do it purely on reason. They tell me to change my thinking, but my thoughts have absolutely no influence on what I do or how I feel. What does affect me is their destructive behavior, which they call “love”. That destroys me. That directly affects how I feel. That causes me to make mistakes and choices they don’t like. But again, don’t bring that up, because those are only “excuses” in their eyes.

I also saw in a text that the people who have harmed me in my life play the victim. If they are talking about my parents, and my parents played victim while they had to answer for themselves when they were before God, then all I can say is: Good for them, because they are just as much victims of this crazy prison world, and made their choices based on what they had to go through and based on how they became from that. Anyway, I forgive them 100 percent, because we talked a lot about that. And so it became understandable what it was like for them. And vice versa. And that’s what it’s all about. Understanding each other, and seeing what you could have done better, and I think I taught them that. And then when you call them to account aggressively, I understand that they feel victimized. Because they themselves experienced aggression in their youth too and they didn’t make themselves either. Maybe you should give them some understanding for that, because they really did their best.

But above all, continue to play psychopath with all those freaky people you let free on this world. It’s a sick game you guys are playing. And I definitely don’t need eternal life if it has to be this way. Certainly not with this disaster of a personality. Make someone else happy with it. I stand up for my fellow man and curse the madhouse we have ended up in. It is unnatural. In every way possible, we are challenged to fail. And then when you fail, you say it’s our fault because you refuse to take responsibility for your own behavior. If you think you are taking responsibility by killing people, then you are sick. Go treat people who are not in a prison. Then do something useful. If you can follow everything so closely, as you want to rub my nose under it every time, then you should have intervened when I was young. But the only way you want people to learn is through destruction. An error in my upbringing that immediately has such consequences. It’s ridiculous! Now that’s what I call an idiotic creation! You have killed hundreds of people in my surroundings, and I will not allow myself to be blamed for that when I stand before God. If my tardy intervention stands for hundreds of murdered people, then there really is something wrong with creation, but I’m sure you think it’s perfectly normal to put that on someone who has done his best for everyone all his life!

But this is nothing more than some murmuring behind. I had hoped in my life that when I was angry, that people would listen to me. That they would say: sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. Tell me how I can do better! But no, my anger is seen as the ultimate evil, when it is only based on love and a will to freedom. You are doing the same thing my father did to me when I was angry. You are repeating what he did! That is apparently necessary to lead me in the right direction. So that your ass won’t be exposed and you can just go on targeting vulnerable people. And I’ll decide for myself whether to share this. With your stupid texts like “The best thing I ever did was stop sharing what’s on my mind.” I don’t sound very mature today, but that’s what you make of me, a murmuring pathetic little vulnerable child that no one listens to anyway. Everyone can see this, if it’s up to me! I don’t care.

And another thing. You act in those Facebook texts, as if I escaped something really bad. I think I have some idea of what you mean. If my therapists had not overlooked my fear towards my father, and had not sent me on to part-time therapy, and that had meant that somewhere around this time I was being harvested by Satan, because of my aggressive state, which I was balancing just fine and not hurting anyone, then that is yet another proof that it is a sick creation with a sick God at the helm. Because if a state in which I had a 100x better quality of life than I had means going to a worse world, then something is well wrong with the design of this reality. If it apparently has to be so, that I have to feel super bad, and be the martyr, and then also not be allowed to have any anger towards the creator of all this, then I don’t want anything to do with this so-called God. It hurts me terribly that this is the world I live in and I empathize with all those people who are facing the same thing as me. All I can do is try to help them by sharing my information!

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