In this article, I share that after the turmoil, written about in my previous article, I once again found back my strength. Furthermore, I describe my desperate situation, and share a song that comforted me.

Losing is okay too!

After speaking in my previous article about being on the verge of death, it turned out pretty quickly that I was once again fighting my way out. I had experienced a big storm, over the past few months, in which I was very angry at times, but had nowhere to put it all out, so that one morning I suddenly panicked completely and called my sister in tears. I saw no way to go on, and my sister came right away. Even before she got there, I came back to my senses. At least I called my sister, even though I didn’t trust her. Because of the things I was going through in the past few months, my energy completely blocked and I couldn’t feel it anymore. As a result, I did nothing but relaxing on the couch and procrastinate. All the work I wanted to do wasn’t happening. To do anything, I had to turn off my feelings completely, and function purely on reason, which in turn caused a lot of anxiety. Big misery! Since the panic experience, when I had called my sister, I had totally stopped looking on Facebook at all those inspirational quotes that pass by under “Suggested for You,” all of which happen to match exactly what I am experiencing at that moment. I couldn’t handle these quotes anymore, but I still took them to heart, purely because it’s a way for me to learn from my mistakes, and if possible prevent other people from becoming aggressive towards me. But now I realize that it’s better not to listen to all those pedantic quotes and fingers pointing to me. I’d rather have a sympathetic ear that listens to me. That’s much more helpful. Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone I can talk to about these things, because friends, family, and acquaintances are all taken over, and immediately start acting like I’m schizophrenic when I bring it up, when I’m absolutely not.

Since the experience I describe in my previous article, I gained a little more confidence in myself that I still had something to do here on Earth. But what exactly?! For weeks I have been thinking and doubting about that. I feel no direction in my life, no purpose. For purposeful behavior, you need to be able to direct your aggression, regardless of how another person treats you, but unfortunately the perception of my aggression has disappeared due to the trauma to my father. Throughout my childhood, whenever I was angry with him, he forced me with a lot of aggression to listen to him instead of asking why I was angry, and as a result, the perception of that anger completely disappeared from my consciousness leaving me in a terrible prison. I have long since forgiven him for this, for he has repented as best he could, although it did frighten him that his behavior had had such an effect on me. That is hard to acknowledge. But since an Antichrist entity has taken over him, (clearly someone else has taken control of his mind), he shows very variable behavior. One moment he is sweet and understanding, and the next he shows his true face. After so many years of experiencing him in his taken over state, I think I now have a clear view of what he is like. He has no boundaries. And he doesn’t set these boundaries to his fellow men, and he is in a kind of pumped-up aggressive state, where he encourages others to go beyond their limits. He looks up to athletes, and soldiers. My father’s military service is suddenly the best time of his life (while I know my real father didn’t like it). He loves hardship and pain, especially someone else’s. And when he goes running with my nephew, he also encourages my nephew to go beyond his limits, as if he wants to make an athlete of him, which he expresses. Anyone who sets a boundary in front of him, he thinks is weak and weird. And knowing this about him, I see him acting a kind of weak man. He makes a caricature of my original father, who, because of all the confrontation from me to him, had received a blow to his self-confidence because of me. He constantly talks in a powerless, childish tone, to my nephew, and I yearn for him to once ground himself, and bring out his strength maturely, but no, nothing like that. My brother (my nephew’s (and nieces’) father), has exactly the same problem. He doesn’t express boundaries to his children, and behaves powerless, he totally goes along with the children’s frame. Then he sits and plays without limits with my nephew, who goes crazy with enthusiasm and excitement, without being limited, and yes, then my nephew begins puking in the room, purely from excitement. Gee, weird huh? The moment I express to my family, after my brother is back home, that I think there should be limits, my father shows his true face, and says he doesn’t care about that, which is (not literally) a slap in my face. What a nutcase, for crying out loud. A dangerous madman, acting a vulnerable sweet man, but his real personality, the dangerous madman therefore who takes no responsibility at all, then shines through. Is it no more than a projection of my shadow, the rejected parts in myself? No, it is more than that. And it is exactly what and who you attract, if you cannot fully experience your shadow parts. That is what attracts these entities, and it is exactly why they want to take over your environment and you. Because that is not allowed to exist in this world.

I am still deteriorating emotionally. Every time I lose a piece of quality of life. I feel terrible. I have reached my limit faster and faster, and so I get anxious faster and faster. My sense of self is getting less and less and I feel smaller and smaller inside. And I am probably surrounded by idiots who want me dead, but who play that they love me. And their leadership thinks that from how these idiots treat me, I will progress and grow stronger. They think any emotional reaction is weak, that’s obvious, because they mostly want to get you calm and cool. But precisely because of the severity of the trauma, it is unhealthy for me to be calm and cool. On the contrary, for me it is healthy to be excited (hot) and expand myself agressively, the only way my self could exist decently. By them forcing me to throw this aggression into the connection, I did not learn to control my aggression, as is normal, but it was merging with my trauma: I felt it was rejected and thus the experience of it disappeared. Before I could handle it. As a result, I protest over and over again, cause it’s the only life I have in me, and wanting to suppress this then seems necessary since then I go beyond the order that is secretly in place here on Earth, but is actually very self-destructive, and as a result I can no longer cope with the ego destruction these entities perform, either. No one cares that I keep deteriorating more and more. And meanwhile blame me for not showing courage to tell the whole world about them. Believe me, if I had not had this disability, the whole world would have known. The prison walls come closer and closer; my prison cell is getting smaller and smaller, and it feels like I’m buried deep underground, where I can’t reach anyone. No one is there to visit me! And I have no support from anyone! All I can do is trust that God and his entire entourage see me, but sometimes it seems that they also give up and I am all alone.

Jordan Peterson once described the agony of Christ. Him being someone who least deserved the inhumane treatment he received. And I identify with that. I already have such a traumatic past, that the aggression is inherent to my system, so I need my aggression to survive. Then they forced me to throw this into the connection, which caused years of deterioration, which is not over yet. Every time I let myself get hit again, and every time all these evil entities cooperate to shut me up in this, as if it’s all one big game. Especially with traumatized people like me, this is least appropriate. I needed help, and I was wrongly conditioned, being fooled big time. My parents and my therapists are responsible, but at the end of the day I am expected to be self-responsible and 100% loving, while in the meantime I am completely destroyed, not standing upright anymore. It is so unjust! And so incredibly painful! On top of that, I’m terrified that I’m going to undermine my self-confidence again. So far, the damage manifests itself mainly in an increasingly impotent emotional state, and I basically don’t direct it at myself (yet?). But I was able to see at 18 years old what happens when you do direct it at yourself. Absolutely catastrophic misery. And by potency I mean the ability to bring out your power, and make yourself big (expand), when the situation demands it. And reckon the situation in the world demands it!

And then I’m also afraid to turn to God, and ask for things, because I don’t want to use His name in vain. Things like hope and strength. I’ve always found it immoral when people ask God for all kinds of things, and always thought it was ridiculous to thank God for worldly things and success: he isn’t going to help you with those things. But what would He think of me asking Him for hope and strength? I am regularly so full of sorrow that I turn to heaven while asking the question: how long will this last? Sometimes I long for death. I don’t long for dying itself (that seems terrible), but just being somewhere else, where you don’t experience this kind of misery, yes, I would like that. I often want to be someone else, too. Or well, not so much someone else, but rather more myself. I wish I could feel my fire again and my sexual identity was potent and healthy again and I could feel right again, as if it fits, when I look at women. That’s one of my biggest wishes. I just want to ignore men and direct everything to women, because I love women. Constantly being forced to turn it toward a man inside who completely destroys you and then takes all the life and potency away from you is not normal, and a horrible fate! I don’t like men that way at all. In that regard, they can go fuck themselves, instead of me.

I often think I’m going to lose! One song that took an awful lot of pressure off, and reassured me that there is a place for you with God even when you lose, was the song “Je mag ook verliezen” (Losing is okay too) by Dutch Christian singer Eline van Dijk (formerly Eline Bakker), who is known in Christian circles as ELINE. A beautiful song. Usually I find Christian songs, or Worship songs mildly irritating, because sometimes the meaning does not go beyond repeating dogmas and platitudes, and is sung around this extensively until one climaxes. A bit like “You are God! And Your glory is so great! And You give me grace! You help me when I fall! And You died for my sins!” and more of those things and meanwhile everyone then lets the Luciferic energy flow in with their hands in the air, quite unaware of themselves. In ELINE’s work you also encounter this a bit, although she has made beautiful things. After having a crisis of faith, and also being divorced, she has a beautiful new album, which shows more life experience than her previous work. Besides the song “Je mag ook verliezen” for example, the song “Levenswoorden” (Words of Life) is also wonderful! However. I do suspect that ELINE, too, has now been taken over. This would then also explain her divorce, because people who have just been taken over by another entity often divorce because they no longer click with their partners. It is striking that on the above concert recordings she dresses so androgynously, and looks totally different than in previous interviews, or recordings. She also has a totally different energy. At any rate, my alarm bells are ringing again, that she has been taken over, as happens to many people who become successful, so that the ruling powers are sure she has been controlled, but maybe I’m wrong. Another option is that she has left her body for a positive reason, for example, because she has done enough good with her songs, and has become 100% loving, which may also be a trigger in these times upon which you are fetched (harvested) by God. Still, knowing this does not make me enjoy her songs any less and so I wish her well. I have benefited greatly from her songs. It is wonderful to listen to them at night.

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