In this article, I talk about some difficulties of late and about the ambiguity that exists about my diagnosis.

Another update on my situation

For the past few weeks I have been busy laying a new floor. I started out very enthusiastic, but I couldn’t hold this state till the end, so I’ve had a lot of help from my parents, who are taken over, my sister who is taken over, and a friend of hers, who’s also taken over. My father has been working for days to get things finished. Now that much of the work is over, I’m incredibly grateful to my family, even though they are taken over. They worked relentlessly and really showed their good side. And that warms my heart. And I have really tried to do my best as well. But yet, I’m encountering some trouble. I can barely activate myself, and that doesn’t feel right. All I do anymore is watch YouTube videos all day, and sleep. And I felt horribly empty last week. It’s impossible to describe it. So empty that I constantly had the impulse to throw things and assert my power, but it’s just not allowed to exist within the limits of my personality. This incredible power is pushed deep into my system. Doing nothing is all I have left and is a way to control it. And meanwhile my house is getting a lot nicer, but the meaning of it is slowly fading away for me. What’s the use of it? I don’t know. I realize now, that when I decided impulsively a month and a half ago that I wanted a new floor (the old one was in a very bad state), it was out of desperation, just to feel that I am doing something useful and building something for myself. Anyway, I’ve been doing more bigger spending lately. Just to change course, but in the end, after everything is done, it turns out that my personality and the way I feel just stay the same, which is a disappointment but not at all surprising. And that’s why I have a lot of trouble with the changes in my surroundings that have taken place. Because I basically can’t rely on my own strength. So I’m really afraid then of decompensating again! Decompensating is when you run out of ways to deal with things, when you have lost healthy defense mechanisms. What you have to bear, becomes too great relative to what you’re able to bear. And as I said, all my psychic strength is tucked away/pushed down/compressed deep in my body, when I actually need it to pull through. It feels terrible. The emptiness is enormous, and meanwhile I have to stay calm at all times, emotionally. That is almost unbearable. I’m very strict with myself.
Meanwhile, my counsellor advises me to go back to day care, but for me that’s not an option, because I am very afraid of breaking down. I bet that if I force myself to become active again, I will also express my anger more, and I am afraid that I will then be attacked and broken, while almost everyone around me has been taken over, and they have convinced me quite a bit recently that they do not attack me when I am angry, but they support me instead. But even then, it’s a big dilemma, to go back to being active. There is so much holding me back! And the power (and the motivation) can’t flow freely. Nor do I see that this can get better in the future. Because if the freedom is not there on the inside, why should I go and pretend I have it in the outside world. I just don’t have that. It would become acting. And would go directly against my core. Nobody wants to live like that, do they?

Meanwhile, I am still aware of everyone around me who has been taken over. Sometimes I can see it in the eyes. A few weeks ago, I looked a friend of my father in the eyes, and I noticed it immediately. And sometimes I see it in people on TV too. For example with people who are a bit nerdy, and who then suddenly get to present all kinds of programs and shake off their nerdy image. You just see that there is a different spirit in that person.

A fey days ago, my taken over father called me. It was a quarter to 12 in the morning. I still hadn’t gotten up properly and was still hanging out on the couch. It felt like he was calling to encourage me to get up and do something useful, he did sound very nice. But I couldn’t motivate my self and I chose to lie there for a while longer. Then I fell asleep, and I dreamed about him. Now he was a lot less friendly to me. He kicked my ass and basically asked if I wanted to be taken over, at least that’s what I took it for! (He asked if he should take away my protection or something?)! I heard myself say “No!” clearly and decisively in my dream and then I suddenly woke up! According to the average person in the world, this is just a dream, and you shouldn’t take it seriously, you should ignore it, forget about it immediately and repress it, but I take it very seriously, and for me it’s as real as it gets. I’m very sure that they give me experiences like that on purpose and that my taken over dad can penetrate the astral world to give me such an experience, because there’s too much of a coincidence when things like that happen. Then I began watching YouTube again, and I was tossed back and forth between great fun, then sadness, then anger, and I really didn’t know what to do with myself. Thankfully, I then read the news, and decided to write about the shooting in Uvalde, Texas (read my previous article).

Today, in a conversation with one of my mental health workers, I talked freely about how I am put together, and how this inner state is related to the things that have happened, regarding the family members and friends who have been taken over. I think it came across as very muddled (although it wasn’t), but I’ve never felt that freedom to do that, so it was something new. But you have to have studied the information to understand it. But on the way back home, I thought, maybe she has already been taken over, but then at least I have dared to talk about these things, in front of her. But if she hasn’t been taken over yet, then maybe I didn’t warn her enough that they’re probably going to take her over too. Then later on it will be my fault again that she is taken over. And then I immediately thought of my family. My sister especially, and my mom and dad. They are always the ones who are in my head the most. And then I began crying again. I almost panicked and then I sat like an autistic person bouncing back and forth in my chair and flapping my hands, and then the thought crossed my mind that it was my fault, even though that’s not really true. Only indirectly is it my fault, because I intervened too late, when I became aware of the first victims in my environment a number of years ago. And then the thought crosses my mind that I have to break down too, just like my family. And maybe that’s what’s going to happen…!

I wish I could show my strength no matter who I’m facing. To then be able to fire and make your point, that’s the greatest thing in the world. Going right up against everyone, no matter how much opposition you get and no matter how many threats. Woow, how I would love that, but it’s probably not in the cards for me. I also don’t think fast enough anymore. I’ve become incredibly slow-witted, and can barely follow most debates and discussions. Everything has to be spelled out for me in literal words, because the quick thinking comprehension I used to have is completely gone. It’s awful, and sometimes I think I’m autistic now. Although today when I talked freely, I sounded pretty schizophrenic, but that’s because I use concepts that other people don’t immediately understand. I would have to explain those to most people first. Only then do they know what I mean. That’s also one of the reasons I have this site. So people can read what I mean when talking about certain concepts. It is based on years of accumulating knowledge, from a basis of understanding myself. It is integral knowledge. Dan Winter is also someone who likes integral knowledge, although he expresses it more in details, and I express it more in broad outlines. But the first time I read things from him, I also thought: what a jumble of incomprehensible concepts. But then the more often you read things from him and the more you study the info he gives, the more you start to understand what he’s talking about. “Currently you don’t get it, but you will come back!” someone said once in the comments, and I wholeheartedly agree with that. And those who know themselves also know the world around them. As within, so without!

They can tell me anything about my diagnosis now. Schizophrenia; autism; an anxiety disorder (partial remission) are also possible. I just don’t know anymore. I have too little knowledge of the various syndromes. The superficial description in the DSM-V is not enough for that. That’s why I asked for my diagnosis again, but each time it is postponed. Now I have to wait until July 12, for my treatment plan meeting! Probably they are going to make a huge fool out of me again, I don’t know. We shall see! I am clearly missing the rational component of how I feel. Can’t stand that. The rational gives me support. If I don’t have that, then it just becomes a big pile of confusion, and I don’t feel myself enough to be able to say anything meaningful about it myself. I recognize that all too well from before all the therapies. I saw a picture the other day of what I looked like when I was depressed, before all the therapies. You don’t recognize me back then! It’s a total metamorphosis. So people are able to change drastically. Especially when still being young. At the time they kept my diagnosis quiet too, and I didn’t dare ask for it then. This was, of course, to keep me in the dark on purpose, so that I would be as anxious as possible, and the chance that I would feel forced to change was at a maximum. At least, that’s what I think now. But it was an anxious time, and I was very depressed, and I undercut my self-confidence gigantically.

As for people, who are taken over: I’ve read also about Thomas Eidsaa, now deceased, and his family being taken over, as he writes in one of his works. “Actors” he called them and this is indeed how Antichrist entities come across if they have not fully descended into their roles. I wouldn’t be surprised if such an entity also successfully took over him at the time, and later chose to leave his body (they are able to do that), whereupon a heart attack was diagnosed. Tragic, because he produced some fantastic stuff. Check out his site, which thankfully is still up and running. Very worthwhile! As well as the amount of books he produced! (Some are free to download, others are on Amazon). He was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, but that didn’t stop him from giving everything he could. Very admirable! There is so much more to discover about this world, than the standard talking points of the mainstream and alternative media. No one should be pigeonholed by diagnoses. Sometimes it’s nice to know, how people view you, but it doesn’t change how you are. Many people look at themselves through the eyes of another, and that is only good if it does not destroy your own opinion of yourself, but complements it! Because I know plenty of people who post great amounts of videos about their so-called syndromes, but who otherwise have no insight into themselves, and base their whole identity upon it, and that is just tragic…

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