I saw a video pass by on YouTube, of little kids reacting to their fathers, when they have just shaved off their beards. The children notice somewhere that their father is still their father, but on the other hand, based on what they see, the father seems like a completely different person. That made me think of the Antichrist entities, taking over bodies. If you base it on the appearance of these guys, you think: we’re dealing with the same person, but if you also make contact with the invisible, the energy that someone emits, then it’s clear to see that you’re dealing with a totally different entity in the body. This reminded me of the statement in the Bible in 2 Corinthians 4:18:
“While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
Realizing this is essential for establishing a long-term relationship. It’s being with someone not because of the outward characteristics, which are temporary, but rather because of the things that are invisible, which, although they can also change, in most cases are based on a stable foundation. So actually you should also be able to have a love for the ugliness in someone. Because someone’s skin will shrivel. Someone’s hair will fall out. Someone will walk crookedly. Someone will be able to get sick and need care. Someone will be able to start complaining. And someone will be able to act negatively towards you.
All of these things have always frightened me. The impermanence, old age, the deterioration, death. I honor that side of the world too, but reluctantly. The love of the ugliness in someone, you learn, in the moments in your childhood when your parents are behaving ugly to you, thus when they are very angry with you. And what that does to your system. Cause that will be a blueprint for how you enter into relationships in later life. My father got terribly carried away in his ugliness because he was often so aggressive, and that caused me to always run away from him with a lot of aggression, but when I unlearned the aggression in a therapy, which was incredibly traumatic because they had estimated my father’s behavior to be less violent than it was, I was unintentionally trained to embrace the ugliness of men very well now, without experiencing aversion. With women, unfortunately, it’s very different. My mother, on the contrary, showed her ugly side too little to me. I only learned later in life that women can also be or act ugly, and that was quite a shock every time. I still have trouble embracing the ugliness of women. I still experience aversion to it. I always say: a beautiful woman is the most beautiful thing there is, but an ugly woman is the ugliest thing there is. For me those two things are very far apart. And partly because of that I can’t enter into a relationship with them. Whereas if I see a beautiful woman, I get a great need for intimacy. It’s a pity I can’t do anything with this and that’s one of the dreams I had, which went up in smoke.
I have learned after all the recent events with the Antichrist entities that have taken over many people in my environment, that the inside of people has nothing to do with the outside, because they can all be replaced by other entities. Still, I do believe that from healthy self-love and self-care, humans can become more beautiful people in terms of appearance. This is also the reason why conservative women generally look prettier than progressive women, but that is my opinion. Of the latter, their personality is more often based on self-hatred instead of self-love in the case of conservative women. The best combo is still when self-love and self-hate (self-denial) balance each other, because they need each other and thus both have a place.
But we also live a world where everyone wants to be attractive to the other person all their lives. In movies, you often see couples where the woman stands in front of the mirror and asks the man watching, “Do you still find me attractive?” I then really get the urge to say, “No, I don’t find you attractive when you are so afraid that you are not attractive and so doubtful of yourself.” People generally are afraid to show their ugly sides. They have an idealized image of how life should be and are shocked when things don’t turn out the way they had hoped, and then run away immediately. I recognize it myself when I look at my past. It’s about becoming real enough to also being able to accept the ugly sides of life. The ugly parts of yourself. And the ugly sides of your partner. Without immediately wanting to run away. It’s about getting real, and being brutally honest. Watch the following video by Lorie Ladd. I have a double feeling about this video, because this woman presents herself in a messy way, as she describes it, and at first that repels me somewhat, but taking the Bible statement from 2 Corinthians 4:18 in mind again, I decided to listen to her message, and the message she brings is one that makes me happy, because it is something that I rather miss in my personality. Because when you spend your whole life trying to meet all these demands of everyone, and you feel like your own dreams are in tatters, there comes a time when you want to break free from that, and just be yourself, even though you might be letting others’ dreams be in tatters too. This is something I recognize tremendously.
In my articles I can express this ugly side of myself reasonably well, but when I am among people, there is a huge block on me speaking out, because I’m often actually irritated, because I experience many negative things about people, originating in my distrust. But it’s like there’s a big bell jar on me, which closes me off from others. My greatest wish is still to be able to speak out at those moments, without feeling that I am alienating people, because that is the last thing I want. It should be the case that you can express that and that your confidence is then strengthened, thanks to someone giving space to your negativity. That would dampen distrust tremendously right away with me. If I say to someone that they have been taken over and they are lying about it, then they don’t have to reassure me that that’s not the case, but getting the space for that anger would be very nice, and it would immediately ensure that I’m able to embrace the taken-over person more in love. Because basically, I am still that child who fundamentally loves the world and his parents (or other people) unconditionally, even if that love has not been seen at all in the past and has been completely misconstrued. If my father had known that children always love their parents unconditionally, he would have set limits instead of immediately hitting me, but he saw evil in me, and therefore thought it was permissible to follow his impulses and giving it back to me 3 times as hard. A childish reaction, born of absolute ignorance and fear. He wanted to raise me that way. But in doing so, he skipped steps and had no regard for my development. He wanted me to be an adult already. He administered good in the wrong place at the wrong time, which is the definition of evil. If he had really wanted to be good, he would have first made sure I had a solid foundation by speaking to me in a strict way, and by letting me become a better person through criticism, and then he would have let me meet his disapproval later, because there is a right place for disapproval. I would definitely have listened to him right away if he had spoken to me in a strict way, but he couldn’t, because he also had unprocessed suffering, and therefore he often immediately turned into a monster.
So a little side note to Lorie Ladd’s video, is the following: When you tell people that you want to be “real,” and that that’s all that matters, remember that some people take this as a license to be very evil, because as I describe in the previous paragraph, real evil does really exist, and I gave you the definition. So there is such a thing as “becoming a better person” or “bettering yourself,” even though in Lorie Ladd’s eyes that is all propaganda. But some people need one thing, and other people more the other. I need more of what Lorie Ladd says. For her, the dream we’ve all been sold about life feels like a dire prison. But really, this is only when injustices have been committed against you in your life, which is quite true for many people to a greater or lesser degree. Everyone knows some things that went wrong in their lives, because none of us are already perfect.
I came across this video this week, a compilation of a typical 80s movie, “License to Drive” (1988) with a retro song underneath from The Midnight called Lost Boy. When you know that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, two of the protagonists in this movie, were sexually abused by Hollywood executives and actors, this is another typical case of the real, hard world intruding, and shattering the perfect-looking dreams. Yet sometimes I can still dream away with movies and music, and the dream in them that has been sold to us all. When I hear the dreamy synth-wave of Lost Boy, which is very reminiscent of 80s music, and in the process see the images of one of those typical 80s movies, I think back of the love(s) I’ve had, as well as the love I haven’t had, I think back of my younger years, when my dreams were still intact, and when I still had faith in the beautiful side of life. But wisdom comes with age, shall we say. I don’t wish anyone to lose their dreams in life in one fell swoop, as happened to me, but as far as I’m concerned, it applies to anyone who has dealt with trauma or abuse. Other than that, this video is still an ode to youthfulness. And still brings out warm feelings in me..
