Okay, a few days have passed, and I’m still terrified! I’m really struggling with overwhelming anxiety. I keep thinking back to that experience I had, where my father seemed to be shivering like a snake (read my previous article A shivering Easter Sunday). But when I think about it, I was only half-awake when I heard it, and it was like he couldn’t get the words out, a kind of tongue-twister. I didn’t understand it. And a little later, another short tongue-twister. I wonder why I reacted so strongly to it inside. Because when I think back now, I think I might not have heard it correctly, partly because I was only half-awake. Maybe my interpretation was even planted in me, as it were. You often hear psychotic people say that too: that they feel they don’t have control over all their interpretations, and that God or demons plant them in them. I had that feeling for a moment, too. It was really meant to scare me! And it wasn’t a coincedence that I had accidentally taken a double dose of medication. So that I might also have the chance to overcome this shapeshifter aspect once and for all. On the other hand, at times I truly believe it’s the truth. That all the evidence points to it. And that triggers my intense fear of death, which I’ve carried with me my whole life. But the strange thing is that in the meantime, I happily carry on with everything. I listen to fun music. Watch fun videos on YouTube. And I’m actually in a terribly good mood. Bizarre! Maybe it’s because of my medication. They’ve always served me well. But the fear is overwhelming from time to time.
Perhaps my experience with my father was a punishment for my transgression of having masturbated a week ago (see the article Mild attacks precede Easter), through which I released all the tension I’d built up and spoiled my strength again. But it could also have been a punishment for the fact that I said I’m willing to be destroyed. That seemed like the logical path if I were no longer seeking freedom, but most of the time I still have a strong need for control, and I’m far too afraid to break down. Especially because it feels so terribly desperate. You might say: just be reckless, like all those suicide bombers, for example, and then it’s all over in one go. But somehow that’s not how I want to be. Because I do care about myself. Is this my ego speaking? No, I want to take good care of others, but I also want to take good care of myself and take small steps at a time.
Of course, I already assumed that people can piggyback on that Antichrist frequency. Then they’re puppets of the Antichrist, who can make them do anything and provide exactly the right triggers for you. Because maybe I’m misinterpreting triggers, but the fact that the triggers exist at all is what’s strange. And then I’m not so sure my interpretations are wrong. We don’t have to assume that what we’re facing are actually shapeshifters, because when people are controlled in this way, they can also exhibit very strange behavior that creates the illusion on its own. So maybe it was just a misinterpretation on my part, fueled by what’s written in conspiracy literature. Consider that there are people who have seen aliens that eat humans and use their proboscis (an elongated protrusion on the head) to suck out part of your brain through your eye: the so-called Vril parasites. It’s bizarre what’s being claimed on the internet, and you have to be really confident to believe it. And before you proclaim it to the whole world as the truth, you’d better be absolutely certain of your facts, because you could cause people to panic unnecessarily. But then you could say: those who are certain of their facts are, of course, immediately killed. So it’s tricky either way.
I had a dream last night. My father and I were in a movie. We were extras. We were sitting in a bus. And there was this incredibly attractive girl on the bus, whom I was talking to. It really felt to me like we had something going on. I’ve had this happen before with girls around me in the past. It feeled like every signal I get from her is a declaration of love, and that made me completely head over heels. They’re positive delusions of reference. I don’t have this as much anymore as before with people around me, but in that dream, I did. At one point, the bus we were riding in came under attack. I don’t remember exactly what caused it. And we were just sitting there. But that attractive girl jumped up and turned out to have some kind of automatic weapon. And she defended everyone on the bus. A heroine. But the attackers riddled the whole bus with bullets, including my dad and me. I didn’t get hurt too badly, but my dad had all these holes in his neck and throat and was in terrible pain. I was absolutely terrified. This wasn’t what we signed up for. When the attack was over, I walked over to the attractive girl. I don’t remember what I said, but she said something like, “We won’t see each other again after this. I’m leaving!” It was a slap in the face because I really thought she had feelings for me, and then I woke up with an erection from the excitement I felt around her. LOL.
For years, I’ve been drawn to strong women. Women who could handle my anger. It started with my therapist Anke van Brunssum (fictitious name) during clinical therapy. And it has continued right up until very recently. The idea of having a heroine in front of you, who takes on evil and stands up for you—what a silent wish I’d had since my childhood, when my mother didn’t really seem to stand up for me and couldn’t withstand my anger. But my sister, who was beaten by my father, was also a source of that silent longing. Because when she stood up for herself and told my father the truth, I was satisfied! I wanted nothing more than that. Now, in my dream, the female figure I had in my mind — the one that attractive girl reminded me of — let me down completely, and in the process, my father was injured, with all those wounds in his neck. It felt as though this was clearly part of the treatment I was receiving, so that I would start focusing more on men. And let go of that longing for a heroine. Because what good is a woman whose fantasy image really turns you on, while it disappears right away the moment it becomes even slightly real, and who also lets you down hard in the process? Then you’re better off caring for a man who’s in pain and has been shot half to death. Something my nurturing side might find an outlet in.
But it didn’t stop there, because something else happened today: just as I was coming back from taking out the trash, I saw my neighbor standing in front of the building. His face was covered in blood. He’d lost his balance and fallen hard on his face. It just wouldn’t stop bleeding, he said. He was waiting for a ride to the doctor’s office. They would probably put a bandage around his face there. So I thought: how do I reconcile that evil shapeshifter in my head with the poor man who needs help because he had a big wound on his face? For a moment, I seriously thought he had inflicted that wound on himself on purpose. Or that it was some kind of shapeshifter trick. But I was able to correct myself. He isn’t a shapeshifter, and he probably really did fall. The fact that he’s standing outside, right after I get back, is yet another example of the universe’s intelligence. Because I needed to see this. Everything serves a purpose, and everyone can use everything that happens for their own growth.
I strongly object to the fact that real people get hurt, physically or psychologically. If it must serve a purpose for my own development, then let it happen in dreams. Because I find it terrible that others get hurt. And I really cannot allow that. Accidents happen, but if this is orchestrated from above, I oppose it, whether or not it involves people who have been taken over.
At times, it feels like I’m about to break down. Everything becomes so overwhelming that I feel myself slipping away. Then I get nauseous, and I think: bring it on, I’m ready for it. But it always subsides again. Because I think that’s how the takeovers happen. That you just get nauseous and then turn inside out, causing you to have a glow-up or glow-down, depending on your state. That leaves no traces. If you’re afraid of being killed by monsters, you’ll see monsters everywhere, and because of that, you’ll break down at some point. Which is what we see in psychotic people. And it makes sense that it also happens to famous people. Because they’re exposed to so much disapproval and such that the pressure from it causes them to break down too. It’s purely a defense mechanism, and a way to let life go on, but turned completely inside out. If you haven’t yet made a connection with the Spirit in your original state (see chapter The torus), the externalized state that arises after the takeover will be more Antichrist-like, or more akin to Cluster B personality pathology. That’s why it’s so important that people don’t experience overly intense situations in their lives, or that they simply push their limits a little further each time, very gradually, as in exposure therapy. Because if you’re not able to cope with intense situations, it makes you prone to falling apart later in life. To me, all of this makes perfect sense. Reasoning through this helps tremendously against the fear, but unfortunately does not lessen the shock when someone exhibits strange behavior they are not aware of.
