Last few weeks have been quite grueling. I am not functioning well at all. My house is an absolute mess, and I’m struggling to take care of myself. All I do is watch inspirational quotes on Facebook, which are selected there for me to see. Whether there is AI behind this, or an entity on the other side, selecting them for me, I don’t know exactly. But it’s perfectly synchronized with my thoughts: it’s a direct feedback mechanism. And things that happen are also reflected in these quotes. It’s the only thing I keep doing, as well as eating and sleeping.
Tijn Touber, who I’ve written about in a number of articles before, describes in one of his latest videos (sorry, only in Dutch), that the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly often stops functioning in any area before making the transformation. The quotes on Facebook emphasize that I am also in that process, but I find it hard to believe that my damaged state turns into a beautiful one, where I have all the freedom. That’s just not possible anymore.
As I described in the previous article, I have had a number of things happening to me, and I felt strongly over the past few days that I was holding an incredibly large grief. Today I was thinking: I am not functioning at all anymore, how am I ever going to find my way to freedom. There are just things in the way. I thought: maybe the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly, is just a good entity taking you over, just as happened with the Christ figure, according to Rudolf Steiner. That when you have transformed yourself into a loving person, you are taken over. Doors that open are not always external, but can also be internal, I read in a text on Facebook. Perhaps doors open when you have become maximally loving. Doors to be taken over, but by a good entity. And then you go to a good place. I said to myself: I want to get rid of this big lump of grief. It’s bothering me, holding me back in my growth. I think it’s going to happen like this: there’s going to be a trigger, which brings me to my grief, and only when I’m rid of that can God take my life. Now I think differently about that, but at that time I really thought that. That caused a lot of emotion in me. I cried for a while, and when I got rid of it again, I felt strength sinking out of me. I was completely empty. At that moment, my heart faltered. As if it stopped. This shocked me so much that I gathered my strength back together, and admonished myself not to give up but to keep going. On Facebook a little while later the following text appeared: “My brain knew, but my heart wasn’t ready.” And I’m convinced that was exactly what happened. I was not ready for death. So it is very important to express your intentions for your life, but you have to be certain of it. People who are on their deathbed often try to hold on, but the moment they say or think it’s okay, and they are aligned to the universe, then they leave. Those who say, “no, I will hold on a little longer,” they are given time, because they still have something to do. We often hear this also in people with near-death experiences. That they still have something to do here, and that’s why they come back.
I also received the inspirational quote, that you should not use God to achieve your personal goals, but that God will or may use you to achieve His goal. It sounds a little rotten that way, because of course many people would refuse to do that. But it also has something beautiful about it. Though for now I refuse it too. But the question is whether I am strong enough to keep it up. A miracle is needed for me to regain my strength. Perhaps there are two souls in the body when you are taken over, and then you have to work together, which is possible in harmony, but it may also be that you can’t handle that, and then the original soul (you or me) leaves, depending on what was decided for the life plan. I can so imagine that the soul that takes over is in control, and it’s really a reset, in terms of emotions. So everything you have lost, then comes back. But the question is, where do I go in my damaged state. Giving up your life for God from the Christ power, and having your body used by God, can be seen as beautiful, but can also be seen as horrible. It’s happened to everyone I’ve followed. There is something wrenching about it because it is not always voluntary or seems voluntary. But maybe the whole world is meant to be taken over, before the end of the cycle. The few that are left then, and have managed to stay upright with all their power, those will then go to a better world. But it may also be that we are all working toward becoming as loving as possible. Then the great game being played will continue, until everyone has reached that point, which is also beautiful.
But now it remains that I still have little space left for living, and don’t see how I can get my strength back, without a miracle. I had hoped that if Antichrist within Antichrist were unleashed on me (see previous article) I would still have strength left to act, but I don’t think I will succeed, because I don’t feel any space left, to go in that direction, and keep getting discouraged. So I fail to deliver. But I also have to honestly say that I feel less and less like fighting and dealing with complicated things. I just feel disabled, and I can do less and less. Let me just live my simple life in love. I don’t feel the power anyway, to attract attention to me, and spread my story, although I want to. I am glad that at least on my site I can still tell my story. That’s at least something, too.
In short: my life is hanging by a thread, and I expect it to end soon. I did find it incredibly valuable to share my story with you, the people who found my site. I had hoped to have reached a few more people on my own, but alas. It just wasn’t in the cards. It’s going to be a special week, I think. I’m holding on to my heart. And of course the hearts of everyone whose life was taken prematurely…
Maybe see you soon…
