Anyone who has read Section 1 of my story knows that I had a great capacity for learning when I was a little younger. This was in a very obsessive way, and most of all I wanted to be considered special, only then did I feel seen. As soon as I didn’t do anything special, I felt invisible, and that was an absolutely terrible feeling. I was also destroying my own self-confidence. I already didn’t have confidence in others, but if I then started to destroy myself as well, I really had nothing left. This could become very dangerous. So in therapy the focus was on getting more self-confidence, more trust in others, and learning to think realistically. I left therapy in a very strong state. I could let myself be affected again, and my aggression was allowed to exist. I was a control freak, but also a diamond in the rough. Literally, because I fantasized aggressively. Fortunately, I had learned to handle this right away in therapy, so that I would not act on it. I finally had the beginnings of an identity. I also tell in Section 1 of my story, that my therapists then had to make an assessment, whether there was serious disapproval of anger in my family. If so, they said, you’re done, you need your aggression badly then. But they thought, also because I never told them about it (I repressed it), and partly on the basis of a systemic conversation with my parents, that it was not that serious in my family. In that systems talk, my therapist challenged my parents quite a bit, to provoke a reaction. My mother clammed up in that conversation, and my father remained calm. Based in part on that, my therapist thought that my parents had made no more mistakes than other parents, and that therefore there was no serious structural disapproval, but that it was mainly the fear of destroying others that had caused my syndrome. A year and a half later, after my follow-up therapy, it turned out that they were badly mistaken, and we saw the effect of what happens when you take someone out of his aggression, who actually needs his aggression, because his anger has always been disapproved of, and therefore these feelings were not allowed to exist. It hit rock hard inside. In those cases, it is better not to treat the disorders that someone has left, but to give someone the ultimate control to use his aggression to destroy the internal representations of the people who have wronged him, and at the same time teach him to handle or balance this violent rage. Fire and water in one person, in other words. Anyway, it was not an ideal situation, but in terms of how I feel, infinitely better than what I am in now, because I have a lot of psychological pain now, which I cannot escape.
In that follow-up therapy, they did express to me that it’s not about performing and achievements in life. And they had probably hoped that I would resist that, and I would bring out my ability to perform and try to achieve things even harder, because it’s also a great quality, and you shouldn’t let that be taken away from you. But unfortunately this came in very destructively. And all the feelings of aggression that I had been using to achieve my goals were then rejected rather than just controlled, and thus I lost all these feelings accordingly. As a result, I can’t achieve things anymore. While I still want to. This feels very humiliating, especially when I’m doing courses or getting something explained, for example, and I don’t pick it all up so quickly anymore. Horrible it is. It’s a prison. And meanwhile, on the Internet, I see a lot of people showing off their talents. Some are even bigger show-offs than others, and it’s made me kind of dislike it, because 90% of the content people create is focused on achievements, and “look at me being good at this”. It’s also kind of ingrained in some cultures. That you have something to prove, and you feel like a nobody, if you can’t perform. Because apparently it always has to be ‘good’ and ‘better’. People love that! And if it’s not good, then people automatically get embarrassed, or become anxious, and that also makes it look out of place. That’s why I think it’s great when someone does something without any shame, and isn’t worried about if it’s good enough. Fuck the achievement-mafia, who think you always have to do better, and who always think that everything gets better as you get older and learn more. And who do you learn from? From THEM, of course! Yuck. Real quality is found when someone has complete freedom to experience all his feelings. Quality then arises from an inner striving and an interaction between your own feelings and those of another, not because you are so eager to do well for those narcissistic teachers who love to criticize you and especially want to see that you have listened to their criticism, while losing your own will and abilities in the process, which they don’t even realize. Yuck. Awful! If I had to listen to that, I would paralyze myself. We’ve seen that over the past few months, and I no longer intend to do that.
You often see this in talent shows, too. Usually those judges get excited when they see that someone has listened to their criticism, while now it doesn’t look or sound like anything. Because they are supposedly the experts and you shouldn’t talk back when someone makes fun of you. Disgusting! And so you see that those judges feel themselves growing when someone listens to the criticism, but the autonomy sometimes disappears completely with those contestants, but don’t think those judges see that, or even care about it. Yuck. There is a lot of suffering in the world, which never gets expressed, because people have learned early in life not to speak up.
Compare it to someone who is thirsty, and is punished for it. That is the quickest way to make someone suppress that instinct, because if you structurally disapprove of it, then someone will never ask for a drink again, no matter how thirsty they are. Case in point: my grandmother.
I have always been a big drinker (no alcohol). This was evident from the first sips from the milk bottle. If my parents took the bottle out of my mouth for a moment, they would see me gasping for it, and it has remained that way all my life. My twin sister didn’t do that at all. But I have the same thing with food, so I was told all my life that I eat too fast and that I drink too much. But what do other people know about how I’m put together? How much fluid I need? What I went through that gives my so much anxiety about not getting enough. But no, we all have to be the same these days. In the course of your life you learn to postpone your needs, but if you suppress your instincts (e.g. anger) under the threat of violence, then in your later life you will either not feel your needs, or you will have very large needs. Childish needs, because they can never be met again.
That’s why I give a tip to parents:
First you encourage your child until he can do the things himself and seeks freedom. Then you go one step further, and control your child, until he can control himself. And then you go a step further, and threateningly disapprove, until he can handle that. Many parents do only the first, or only the second, or only the third, and sometimes only half. And then the evil powers that infiltrate society by taking over people can solve the problems again, by exerting their influence over the particular targets. Because that happens a lot in this world!
And I oppose this equalization of people. It’s a condition, in which you are being numbed. Forcing someone into a prison. You see this most on TV and especially in politics. Like a robot, politicians answer questions. If it is an unseemly question, you don’t hear them about it, but laugh along, or droning out their answer, which they have already said 6 times before, without effectively containing/ mirroring the energy of the questioner, without feeling the emotion evoked by the question. Because on TV, above all, you are not allowed to say you find something annoying. And journalists participate in this too. They always settle for bad answers. That’s what they are selected for. The death of dynamics in all its glory. So what we saw the other day on Vandaag Inside (a Dutch TV show), that Job Knoester, a criminal lawyer, indirectly called Prime Minister Rutte directly a psychopath, was actually quite nice to see. The fact that the men on the program wanted to give Rutte a podium was of course preposterous, when you look at how he has gotten the Netherlands into more and more trouble in many ways over the past few years, and apparently let it slide off of him very easily. But fortunately there was room for some dynamics in the program. But then the reactions poured in again at Vandaag Inside that “you really can’t call the prime minister of the Netherlands a psychopath.” Oh no, you can’t? And what if he IS a psychopath? Is the truth not allowed to be told then? I don’t understand how people can bury their heads in the sand like that, and maintain a kind of false morality, in which you are not allowed to speak the truth if it is negative. Only positive things are allowed to be said. If you come from a family where only the positive can be said, then you will notice this kind of tendency, and you will want to break free from this oppressive prison. Then, when someone has cooked for you, and it’s not so good, you will be able to just say, “I don’t like it very much, but I appreciate it very much!” instead of “Mmmmm, delicious, mmmm, have you tasted this and that, oooh, mmmm” while the fear of saying it wasn’t good is pouring out of your pores and tells the truth in the meantime. Pfff! How oppressive.
And that completes the circle of this article again, because if I want to be allowed to name negative things, then I have to allow others to do so towards me, and I have always done so since my clinical therapy, but taking full responsibility is a step further. My resistance exists because I was always taught in a tyrannical and very aggressively focused way that I couldn’t say something negative to another person. And because of that I lost a part of myself, so I can’t process everything anymore and therefore I repeat myself. Because in order to process everything, you need both the full experience of your grief and the full experience of your anger. I would like to take responsibility for this part, but I cannot fully, because I am so shrunk inside by how others have treated me. It may well be my own responsibility to grow myself again, but if that is no longer psychologically possible because of the unfortunate combination of things I have had brought upon me, then I can only hope that God will be merciful and accept me (and many others) also in my (and their) mangled state. Because what these Antichrist powers see as “better” does not feel like “better” to me in this broken state and could have given to the world already a long time ago had I not had my mental disability. I would have wanted that! Everything else feels, I’m afraid, very humiliating!
