It's November, just like previous year a difficult time. I express my feelings at length in this article.

November, the hardest time of the year

Since I was brought back to my grief a few days ago, peace returned to my body. I had been very nervous for about a week with a lot of tension, as if I was literally threatened by one of the Antichrist entities that are probably hanging around me in the astral layer of this reality, watching me. I had received the “Do or Die” instruction in an email from someone (at least: I took it as instruction instead of vehemently disapproving it), and it was as if that threat was actually being carried out. Every time I took a moment to do other things, such as eat or sleep, I became choked up and tension ran high in my body. Then when I got the comments via Facebook (see my previous article) which amounted to saying that my work was useless, and more things that confronted me hard with my vulnerability and with my fears, I cried it all out again. Since that moment, the “curse” that lay over me was somewhat lightened, and I was a little freer again. Free to engage in other things from time to time. Free to visit people. Free to eat. Free to sleep. Consequently, I no longer get nervous. Yet, once again, I choose to focus on my work. Because it is my responsibility to leave something behind. Tonight the nerves are again worse than they were this afternoon, so that means: get to work, do something useful! And even though these Antichrist entities probably don’t find what I’m about to say in this article useful at all, it’s important for me to get it off my chest. Under the guise of fighting back, as one of those texts on Facebook said. These Antichrist entities then think: no, don’t fight back against us, fight back against those people who have done you such harm. We are good to you!!! Please Jesse, love us!

What I especially notice lately is that such rebellious thoughts are immediately dealt with by these Antichrist entities. Usually when I have such thoughts, a plane flies over. Or my eye catches a confrontational text on YouTube, Facebook or Twitter. Sometimes people even post videos that confront me adamantly then. Sometimes it is so coincidental that I suspect they have informed each other about my inner state, because I am sure they can read my inner state at any time, so again in this astral layer that is invisible to us, or one of the other spiritual layers. But it can also be the case that people unconsciously confront other people with their words because, for example, they are more polarized toward the extremes of Lucifer and Satan, so they allow these entities to flow through them and allow themselves to be influenced by the invisible world, in which everything is actually in contact with each other. Hence I then talk about whole networks of invisible entities. Nevertheless, I think that with Luciferic and Satanic evil it is often about unconscious influence, but with the Antichrist entities it is more about conscious influence because these are people taken over by these types of invisible entities and these entities have taken control of the bodies in question and have a kind of network with the other Antichrist entities.

Facebook displays a lot of Suggested texts again. Many of them are about how valuable you are, and that there have been those nasty people who have destroyed you, that you were such a victim, and that you especially shouldn’t accept that anymore and so on, that it’s up to you how others treat you. And that you should especially love the writer of those texts, because he or she will show you what real love is. But I don’t think it’s real love. I think it is a bit disgusting and intrusive and I don’t like it at all!

I just don’t see it that way! My family always did the best they could for you. They are very good people. But things went wrong in the upbringing, because my parents were inexperienced and my father had poor self-control and couldn’t express his temper in a calm manner. I have long forgiven him for that, because he has realized that he was wrong, and when I learned to give words to my pain in therapy, and expressed it to him, he tried incredibly hard to do better! As a result, he even lost himself somewhat as well, which was not my intention, but was the effect of my behavior. I have long since forgiven him, and the last years we had together before they were taken over were very nice. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have problems anymore, and that everything can be made right again. The promises that you are making now in all these Facebook texts, because I just know they are coming from you, the Antichrist entities; promises of that my life is going to be better now if I just give myself love and start feeling my shadow and so on, are empty promises, because I have pretty much lost everything. The idea that I am now in my deeply hurt state fighting my way back to self-love and self-acceptance and a new life is FICTION!!! I’ll say it one more time: it’s FICTION! Everything is broken that can be broken! Irreparable! And the reason is that important people don’t accept my anger time and time again and never actually listened to it. And that has to end!!! I just want a listening ear when I’m stuck with something. I have every right to be angry, because it is the “life” I have in me. Don’t go on killing me, because you can answer to God personally for it. To my God, not to your God, because he doesn’t care anyway, I feel. I am not the one who talks people down, as some of the texts on Facebook suggest. I only use my words to express my thoughts. I’m not the one who wants to start lawsuits against someone, or taking over everyone. You are! And for what purpose are you doing that! To make me grow as much as possible! It’s FICTION!!! And I haven’t progressed one inch in terms of how I feel since you guys started working on me. It has only gotten worse. Do you mind if I struggle with that? I probably still don’t understand a lot, of what this life actually is and of what this world is, but I do know what I like and what I don’t like, and I want to share that. Yes, I have shortcomings! And yes, they are partly because of others, because I myself have worked very hard to make my problems stop, and the ability to turn my own shortcomings around has been taken from me. There is only so much you can do, for someone as damaged as me. With the pushing and pulling you have done on me over the past few years, I may have come closer to your ideal, but I have become an absolute wreck emotionally as a result of that treatment, and am absolutely not comfortable in my own skin. So don’t come with all those nice texts of “Oh I love you so much”, and “You have overcome so much”, because it shows more of your blind lust to invade and treat someone, than of any positive change in me. I wish I could give you more approval. But I just have less approval for anti-life, because anti-life is anti-my-life and anti-their-life (all the people around me). Accepting that as if it were a wonderful form of love is at odds with who I am, and who I want to be. So I’m not going to accept that, no matter how you pull and push me or threaten me! You talk about being destroyed, and how other people destroy other people. But above all, look at yourselves. You have done nothing but destroy and the rebuilding that must come after that is no longer possible for me in terms of my emotional state. Who are you fooling then? And I have to accept that because you think you are carrying out God’s will? Is it God’s will that I should be destroyed even further? Is it God’s will that all these people around me should break down? Is it God’s will that only a minuscule number of people succeed in his far too difficult game!? I find it outrageous. Apparently breaking down is part of life. Well, not in my world! Of course, if you can recover from it, it’s not as bad, it can actually make you stronger. I can still see that. That’s the right place for that power! But not at the young age as when I experienced it, when I had no reserves for it at all. Then you will always want to get what you haven’t gotten! But I’m not going to apologize for who I am!

I was very anxious today. Now that I express my anger or indignation, I feel my strength a little again, and the anxiety is a little less. But as soon as I am among people, I am very anxious. I feel like I am in a prison, when I just want to be free, and behave again before I was targeted by these Antichrist entities, when I still felt a certain freedom to be myself. I saw two cashiers in the supermarket looking at me and together they were laughing. Immediately a wave of embarrassment came over me, as if they were talking about me, although the smile of one of those girls was the most beautiful thing I have seen in months. Such bright spots make me think back to when everything still felt normal, and I still felt strong and stable! I actually miss myself and I project that onto others, I know that all too well!

I wrote a piece last year around this time, which I provided an audio track for today, the article, “I almost gave up, this week!” A tough article, where I was also at a time when it was very difficult. I think it really is the time of year. It is the month of Scorpio, and I have a few birth planets in this sign. Probably that’s what makes this time so difficult. Again, I hope I can get through it, because as yet it is really hard for me….

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