After focusing some months solely on gaming, a few weeks ago I entered a time of somewhat being able to focus on other things as well. Gaming is a nice distraction, but apparently at some point you have to face reality again. And it always happens the same way. I slowly lose interest in my hobby and try with all my might to find a new activity, although that doesn’t always work out. Then I feel empty, bored, and spend a lot of time on the couch scrolling through my phone’s YouTube Recommended feed. But what also happened was that I started to express myself much more about things, without immediately posting everything on the internet. So I dared to share increasingly what’s on my mind in live contact, and this is a big step forward. And with that I was also able to let go of a lot towards my sister and mother. Women have always been a safe haven for me, a kind of comfort for the anxious feelings I have towards men. But because of that, I rarely behaved maturely with women, and seriously working on a relationship, where a woman would bring her problems to me and show her negative sides, was always a step too far. It quickly made me feel uncomfortable. I experienced it as endless babbling, a list of impossible demands, and due to this, the positive things I experienced with her disappeared, and it felt like a chore to be in the relationship, and I was never good enough anyway. Sometimes my psychological health even deteriorated through it. Now that I have let go more of that part, I have lost a piece of that safe haven and am now face to face with the ‘big monster’ I was avoiding. So the fear has suddenly increased enormously, and the compulsion is sometimes overwhelming. I am sometimes overflowing with distrust, but at the same time I express it when something is bothering me (at least, if I feel that the other person is open to it). This makes the ‘big monster’ a source of comfort as well. I used to be anxiously attached for years. Later, I became avoidantly attached. But now I am disorganizedly attached. There is actually no solution for the fear I feel in contact with others. If I still had my anger, I could expand, and that would dampen the fear, but over time that has become increasingly disappproved of due to my trauma and growing up, so now I am face to face with the source of fear, and I cannot defend myself. People intrude on me, and that feels very unpleasant. Especially when it’s men, because I actually want to keep them out, especially if I don’t know them yet. When it’s women, I do like it, especially if they are beautiful or behave beautifully. But when they come up with their list of demands again, or behave or dress in an unflattering way, I feel aversion again, but of course reality isn’t always positive, so that makes it hard to be with someone. Sigh! I’ve talked things through with my family, and they shower me with love, and even though I don’t really trust it all, I do notice that the fear is diminishing and the compulsion is fading into the background. But fact is that I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. Especially when I’m alone, in my own house for example, I worry myself sick and bite my nails to pieces, as if I’m face to face with death. And of course I am. I’m teetering on the edge. Sometimes I long to be taken over, in the hope that I will get a new, healthy personality, but again, I’m not convinced that it will be me who experiences that. For all I know, it could be someone completely different from me, who uses my memories to keep themselves going and imitates my personality. After all, that’s what I’ve been proclaiming on my site all this time. But I’m not sure about that. Maybe I should trust that those are untruths that I have proclaimed. And that the takeover is more of a reset, where you get back everything you’ve lost in your life. As I describe in Being devoured further and further from Section 2 of my story.
There was a young man working in my meter cupboard because my solar panels hadn’t been working for a while. Just at that moment, I found myself face to face with ‘the monster’ inside me. So my distrust was running high at that moment. He had already been at my place a few days earlier, but he had forgotten his tools then, so he had to come back. He said, “Is June 13th okay?” “Yes, it is.” I said. “Ooh! Friday the 13th!” he said, which brought back all kinds of old thoughts that he was going to take me over on that Friday. Even though I know that’s not how it happens. In the end, he arrived that Friday, but unfortunately he had that look in his eyes, as if he were stoned. You often see that when people have just been taken over. But he didn’t seem to be aware of it and didn’t give it any attention at all, and my distrust was dampened every time I was in contact with him. However, when he was at work, or when I was waiting for him, my distrust would rise very high. But when I made contact, or when he did, everything was fine again. These are feelings I’ve had since I was a child, and it’s very unpleasant to feel so much fear towards people.
A few days ago, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was frustrated, and it felt good to hit myself. When I do that, I immediately calm down. And this time, I gave my frustration to God. I told Him my story and my desires, and He immediately lifted me up. My eye fell on a compilation of the men from “Voetbal Inside” (Soccer Inside, a former Dutch TV show), with some clips I hadn’t seen before. It lasted an hour and a half. And I sat there laughing my ass off. My whole mood changed. Incredibly vulgar humor, of course, but I like that.
Then Cindy Lauper’s song Time after Time popped up in my YouTube recommendations, which has beautiful, comforting lyrics. It is sung in this clip by a young woman named Sofy, who was also taken over approximately 1 year ago (before the recording of this video), just like (around the same time) her slightly older singing friend Beatrice Florea, who uses the same studio as Sofy. Both of them have changed their very ‘unique’ style to a more uniform style. Sofy wears completely different make-up. She makes much more dramatic movements and sings in a much grander and more dramatic way. The ordinary, accessible girl is gone, and she currently present as a somewhat dramatic queen.
Beatrice has changed from a cheerful, radiant girl, who feels comfortable smiling a lot, into a lady with a somewhat dark energy and much thicker layers of makeup, who hardly ever smiles anymore. You would think that this is due to growing up and becoming an adult, but no: there is more to it than that. Because it happened almost overnight. It’s as if she has had a traumatic experience, which she possibly is unaware of. In this clip she sings about aliens, which often happens after people are taken over. And everything they say can then be interpreted as containing messages about what happened to them. It creates the illusion that it is really alien entities that are taking over more and more people. The so-called alien invasion. And it creates the illusion that they do know this about themselves. But I don’t think this is the truth. I think it is a corruption of the truth and they instead just vibrate on a completely different frequency, that is being used by God. Some kind of Matrix program. And they probably aren’t even conscious of it.
So what I have always called “takeover” is, I think, the Anointing, which belongs to Christ, as we know him, but in most cases is really Antichrist, and which can therefore turn out to be both positive and negative. It is a kind of mechanism that gives very ordinary people the opportunity to come forward, if they have it in them. You also see that the people concerned, in their anointed state, attract even more attention with a lot of drama, which has the effect of making them much more popular, because this is incredibly effective. Not everyone benefits from it, as we have seen before. That may depend on the state you are in before it happens. Once people have developed towards the light, they cannot develop back towards the darkness. So you would think that they are completely different entities inhabiting the body. But who knows, maybe we should not see the takeover as something dark, and it is just a release of one of our energy bodies, after which you are used by God, who has both the Good Father and the Evil Antichrist within him. Do these people still deserve our love? Yes, of course! They still create beautiful things, even if it is different than before, and so we can still love them. And just like any other human being, they should be judged on their deeds.
I would also like to share that my father is currently experiencing some health issues, and I want to take a moment to reflect on that. I don’t want it to get worse or cause my environment to crumble again, as I shared in my previous article. So I hope my father gets better soon!
And finally, I would like to share a beautiful cover of “Jake to the Bone” by Toto, performed by the Italian Toto99 Social Tribute Project, which is something that makes me very happy. I would always dislike the live versions of this piece by Toto, due to Steve Lukather, the guitarist of Toto, not playing it like he plays it on the brilliant album version on Kingdom of Desire. This cover band’s guitarist does play it like it is recorded on that album. It’s wonderful to see how the guest bass player of this cover (who was Toto’s bassist for a while in recent years) visibly enjoys the performance.
