With the recent release of unprocessed feelings toward my mother and sister, I now found myself dealing with the feelings I still had toward my past therapists. In my previous article, I expressed some anger toward my therapists, without showing the understanding I do have for their behavior. So, in my mind, I was clearly preoccupied with my relation to my therapists and the behavior I developed in those therapies in order to survive the treatment I received from them. A part came up about my therapist Anke van Brunssum (fictitious name, see the chapter Clinical treatment from Section 1 of my story). She was really tough, and she encouraged my aggression and then taught me how to handle these feelings so that I wouldn’t act on it. As a result, what I felt and how I acted were not really aligned with each other. That is one reason why I sometimes promise things nowadays and then, out of a passivity, don’t follow through on them.
Just as I was thinking this, my taken over neighbor came to my front door and asked me if I could receive a package for her the next day. Of course, I immediately said yes, because I’m always ready to help someone. But in the end, I took my medication late and slept all morning, so I didn’t receive the package, even though I had promised to. I didn’t apologize to my neighbor when she came to my door again the next day. It was like giving her a symbolic middle finger, and it also felt like I was giving Anke, my therapist, this symbolic middle finger. After all, she had given me the middle finger so many times because her behavior was often at odds with what she said, but other therapists in clinical therapy were guilty of the same thing.
The day after I gave her the middle finger, I startled awake and it was as if I had received another warning. I saw a green flash and it felt as if I had been completely cut off from my past. Eventually, that recovered, but it was actually the same kind of warning as the one I had described in December update: first warning. It was clear to me that this middle finger was not appreciated. That day, I saw my neighbor for the third time that week. She told me that she had picked up the package at the parcel point. I apologized for my passivity and for not doing what I said I would do the day before. It would have been fine if I had said I wouldn’t do it and then not done it, but I had said I would do it and then didn’t do it out of passivity. You are only protected in this world if your perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and actions are aligned. This is the pure middle path. It is balanced in two ways. First, between Lucifer and Satan, so that you walk the path of Christ. And then between Christ and Antichrist.
The first time I saw my neighbor that week, I told her that I was very frustrated and felt like throwing my phone at the TV. It was a deep need to feel the physical within myself. A deep desire to break out, but I couldn’t feel it because of my trauma, and well, then it has to come out. And in the meantime, you are as passive as can be, so it all plays out inside your head. This is such a frustrating feeling, but by sharing this with my neighbor, and because she came to my door three times that week, I became calmer again and no longer felt the need to break out. I was able to accept the tight reins I feel on me and resign myself to it. This actually felt quite nice. But then something else happened…:
I notice that I now have less feeling in the extremities of my body. My hands, feet, penis, and tongue feel more numb than usual. It’s a kind of numb tingling sensation. It also affects my sense of taste. And I am less sensitive sexually. I have diabetes. And it is precisely the emotional changes that accompany the events I describe in the previous paragraphs that can make diabetes worse. It is a chronic feeling of dissatisfaction that ultimately causes diabetes and makes you insulin resistant because your cells need to be filled with physical strength to feel satisfied, and if you don’t have that, the insulin has nothing to work on. So it boils down to unfulfilled childhood needs. No doctor would believe me, but I know myself well and know that this is what it has to do with. And what do you do when you have unfulfilled needs and you can’t feel the physical? Then the energy has to go out, and you start looking for it in external things, such as eating too many sweet things, which is also not good for diabetes. Having therapy in which you are getting more in touch with the physical (your body), while that has been suppressed by trauma, and you can’t get it back, causes insensitivity + tingling in the extremities. I find that very logical. And well, that’s also a symptom of diabetes. So yes, I’m not happy about this. This Antichrist force wants you to keep developing, and above all not to remain stagnant, because that is apparently the worst thing there is, but hey: nobody is perfect. So by continuing to develop yourself through their influence, you can end up contracting illnesses. It is important to understand where these illnesses come from, where things went wrong, and to communicate that to the world.
Something else I noticed about myself, which is a bit strange, is the following: In the chapter Eunuchs and emasculation from Section 3 of my story, I talked about my experiences with autogynephilia, which I suffered from for a while after my failed part-time therapy. It is the feeling of being sexually stimulated when you imagine that you have a woman’s body. I found this terrible, because I really want to be a man, and in that chapter I described how it came about for me. But now, years later, I notice the opposite in myself. Suddenly, I feel aroused when I pretend to have a capable male body. Of course, I have a male body, but I suppress the physicality in myself, those masculine feelings of aggression, so much that I feel emasculated and I feel like a failed man. Imagining that I am a real, capable man stimulates me, even though I always feel that I am not. So now the identification I had with men (when I left the clinic) is reflected in mild feelings of autoandrophilia. I have no desire whatsoever to view the man in my fantasy, as an object with which you connect sexually or romantically in reality, but imagining that I am that man does feel good. So, in a way, that part of the clinical therapy is now coming back, although unfortunately I cannot regain my strength from back then in this state. And unfortunately, I therefor continue to feel like an incapable man. That’s a shame, but I still hope for a miracle in the future. In any case, I will continue to document it, even though it is actually very personal. I hope to show that sexuality is more than heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or transgender, but that it is actually a story of who you are, what you have experienced, and that a large part of the expressions are valid experiences, even if they seem somewhat strange and can be quite troublesome, although the latter shouldn’t always have to be the case.
