In this chapter I describe what emasculation is, how it relates to eunuchs and how to prevent it from being traumatic.

Eunuchs and emasculation

Let’s have a look at the following Bible verse:

Matthew 19:12
“For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In Dutch, we call this phenomenon of eunuchs ‘emasculation’. I can tell you exactly what this means because I myself have been emasculated, not physically, but psychologically.

It is important that at some point a young man moves in the vicinity of his father. This allows him to let go of the mother and teaches him to be a man, following his father’s example, and later his own peer group. He can then direct his urges towards women, so he can enter into a heterosexual relationship with a woman, in order to eventually procreate. But if these urges he directs toward women in the form of anger are structurally rejected by the father, because the mother cannot deal with the child’s anger for example, then something distinctive happens. The boy is emasculated, and this is exactly what happened to me. You start to identify with the woman and a reversal takes place between the subject (you yourself) and the object with whom you want to connect (the woman), and therefore you become that object. If this also happens way too early in your life, making it traumatic, you will always want to resist what has been done to you. This manifested itself in a desire to possess women, and to have nothing to do with men. I also suffered from autogynephilia, the excitement when you imagine to have a woman’s body. While in fact I wanted nothing more than to feel like a man again, like I did when I finished my first clinical therapy. (I identified with men back then, but I needed my aggression for that). So this condition with autogynephilia was a misdirected form of heterosexuality. Over the years, my ability to become aroused continued to decline (a result of my trauma), and I slowly unlearned my desire to possess women more and more the more mature I became. My relationships with women would be of a ‘lesbian’ nature, as my psychologist put it to me. This infuriated me tremendously, because it was not what I wanted. It was done to me, I had no control over it.
So I fit into the category of “made eunuch by others” if we look back at that Bible text again.

Being emasculated is not the same as homosexuality. Not every emasculated person is homosexual, and not every homosexual person is emasculated. Becoming emasculated caused my sexuality to change, something I had great difficulty with. Because with me, the emasculation was traumatic, and it doesn’t always have to be. It’s all about how much disapproval you experienced in your childhood. And whether you had enough reserves to be able to handle this. I received aggression and disapproval at a much too young age. And that took place structurally throughout my youth. So that’s why I resisted it so much. Now that I have finally accepted this emasculation, I am no longer troubled by autogynephilia. Now I myself choose towards whom I direct my feelings. I don’t feel like a man, but neither do I feel like a woman. I am just myself and that is good and I don’t need anyone’s approval for that.

I want to tell the same to gay men or lesbian women who demand approval for their feelings. It is very immature to demand this of others. Ideally, you take responsibility for your own feelings, including your sexual feelings. You can say, “Being gay is not a choice,” and be a slave to these instincts. But you can also stand behind your feelings, and say, “This is what I choose!” and understand where it comes from. Not everyone has an understanding of the influences that have worked on them in childhood. I do, thanks to several years of therapy. Ideally, you just decide who you direct your feelings toward and it is indeed a choice.

So when you understand people can influence the development of the sexual identity of their children later in life, you will realize it is not convenient to raise your son as a girl, for example, and not teaching him to be a boy. As I’ve said many times before, the world to a child is still black and white, and so they clearly need to learn the physical as well as the psychological difference between men and women. So it’s important to teach your child how to be a man and how to be a woman. The problem is, everyone has their own interpretation of that, and that makes it difficult. Some think it’s about certain outward appearances such as clothing or makeup, some think it’s about certain toys, but in the end it’s all about one thing: you as a boy not being prevented to let go of your mother, because this is necessary to feel like a man. You can only let go of someone when your negative feelings are permitted towards that person. So if, as a father, you see your son ranting at his mother, don’t disapprove of his feelings. But try to start the conversation about why he is angry. If it happens at a very young age, that won’t be exactly easy, but especially at a young age your child should have nothing to do with disapproval. You are so much more powerful than your child, and sometimes a small time-out is enough or sternly addressing him with the words “I see that you are angry, but I do want you to listen to me now.” Because the child is seen, you implicitly are letting him know that it is okay for him to have negative feelings towards you and nothing bad will happen then. These are essential things for the development of your child’s sexual identity later in life. Because the negative feelings from childhood, are nothing but urges and how they are dealt with by the parents, becomes a blueprint for the interaction with your lover in your later life, and the excitement that comes with that.

There are also eunuchs who were born that way, as the Bible text says. These are presumably people who have had control over their urges from an early age, and where this is not necessarily caused by disapproval, as in the case of the eunuchs who have been made eunuch by others.
The third type of eunuch, is the ones voluntarily living like eunuchs. These people want to follow the path of Christ, and not be led by the lusts of the flesh, and want to focus on what they came here on Earth for, to do the Great Work. It shows tremendous strength, and spiritual maturity to walk this path willingly, and to rid yourself of all immoral impulses within yourself. Cause that’s what the Bible means with the concept of ‘eunuch’. Remember Revelation 14:4-5 about the 144,000:

“These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they remained virgins. They follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They were purchased from among mankind and offered as firstfruits to God and the Lamb. No lie was found in their mouths; they are blameless.”

Virgins are often made out to be weaklings who can’t ‘score’ a partner, but some of them choose voluntarily to live celibate. There is enormous power in this. It’s a different kind of strength than the people who sleep with anybody. Some people call that a talent. I say that’s the easiest thing to do, especially if you’re somewhat decent-looking or have a smooth talk. Some people have perfected their skills in the game of love and seduction. The internet is full of coaches who will teach you the best manipulation techniques to score as many women as possible. It is absolute garbage that I want nothing more to do with.

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Section 1: 1984-2017

Section 1


A brief overview of my childhood, how my treatment for severe anxiety and identity issues went all wrong, and how I deal with the disastrous consequences.

Section 2: 2018-2023

Section 2


How I discover information about entities taking over bodies and how these entities eventually open the attack on me and those around me.

Section 3: various topics

Section 3

various topics

An explanation for my experiences in therapy, multiple other things I have discovered in my quest for truth, and my opinion on additional matters.




These are some of the articles I have written over time. Some are offline now, but have reappeared in the three sections of my story, displayed in the Introduction.