It’s been quite a while since I last posted anything. Right now, things aren’t going too well again. It’s as if old issues are coming back. When you’re working toward recovery, you sometimes think you’ve left things behind, and then they come back anyway. But by working through them, you eventually come to terms with them.
I couldn’t get anything done all week! I was completely knocked out! And I barely had the energy to breathe. I’d gone to lie down in my bed, and I wasn’t going to get out of there anytime soon. When I’m forced to get moving during these moments, a lot of grief often comes flooding back. Old things resurface. Things I thought I’d dealt with long ago.
I feel like I’ve been pushed back into a tiny prison. The constant feeling that I’m not allowed to develop independently of my sister. That all the happiness I might encounter on my path must also be experienced by her. That if I overcome something, that must also apply to her. And that I’d prefer to take all future suffering upon my shoulders for both of us. It’s very suffocating. But that’s how it is in my head. Even though I realize that we are two separate people, and I know she makes her own choices, I still always have that feeling that I am responsible for her. And that we have to make it work together, something that is an incredibly stubborn remnant from my past. I have a really hard time accepting that things change and that everything is fleeting, because ideally I’d live in a world where everything is good and harmonious, and where nothing changes or ever ends—but unfortunately, that’s not realistic in this world.
To be able to let someone go, both positive and negative feelings toward that person must be allowed to exist. Unfortunately, I feel a lot of guilt about the negative feelings, either because I’m afraid others will break down, or because I’m afraid others will destroy me if I show those negative feelings. In your personal growth, you’re always working toward love, but that feels very suffocating to me. So you resist it, with the result that either others break down or you do. And we’ve all seen how I broke down. I describe that in detail on this site.
Last night I fell asleep on the couch and had a dream. I had ended up in a desperate state, in which I was figuratively speaking already down before anyone attacked me. And then my father made a harsh remark to me. Receiving something like that from that defeated state was incredibly hurtful, and on impulse I got to my feet and punched my father hard in the face with my fist!!! I saw his eyes when I did it! My life stopped. And I became aware of the fact that we were on a set, a sort of Truman Show-like setting, and that I had done something I should never have done. And that it had led to my death. My father held me close the whole time and reassured me. As if he knew about this Trueman show. He assured me that everything would be undone. I would be brought back into everyday reality the moment I had an accident. I saw the streets of a neighboring town. My father was still reassuring me, and then God pressed “play.” The accident didn’t happen, but instead I very calmly opened my eyes. I was still lying on the couch. The dream seemed very real. I didn’t think for a second that it was a dream. It was definitely not a lucid dream, but almost seemed real life…
Today I’m feeling emotional… When I focus more on my internal sister and mother, I tend to click on YouTube videos of attractive, often young women, singing and dancing, which usually make me happy, but of which I’m very conscious that they have been taken over at some point. On the one hand, it reminds me of all those experiences I didn’t have as a young heterosexual man and couldn’t fully live through because of my mental health issues, since I was cut off from my instincts. On the other hand, it confronts me with the fact that I couldn’t save these people, precisely because I was cut off from these instincts, which hurts incredibly and makes me feel very powerless. When I however focus more on my internal father, I constantly think of my father’s terrified face when I hit him in the face in my dream. It brings grief in both cases! And I’m clearly emotional, because I’m stuck between these two options. I know I have to get through this. And that I’ll find my way again. I managed it last time, too. Because I worried a lot for a while, but it got easier and easier to let it go. And I know I’ll manage it again this time, too. It’s the same old story. But it’s not exactly fun!
