The triggers I get from my environment continue steadily. And they clearly guide me through a process. This is the intelligence of the universe. Scrolling on my phone, I suddenly noticed this video. And I burst into tears almost immediately. Apparently, I hadn’t completely let go of my sister and mother after all, because this part was about the sister AS a mother. My sister has always stood up for me my whole life. She did that as a child, and when my mother wasn’t around, but I was with my sister, my sister took on that mother role. For twenty minutes, I sat in my grief. It was very intense, and slowly I allowed the grief in, bit by bit, so that I wouldn’t hyperventilate. When I was calm again, a moth flew past my head, having come in through the open window. Transformation and resurrection… It was a meaningful moment…
But now I notice that my greatest motivation is blocked inside me. I was always looking for beautiful things, but now the sense is really gone. Because most things don’t touch me anymore. I used to enjoy beautiful women and girls so much. But I can’t access that anymore. Instinctively, I want nothing more than a mature relationship with a woman, but there is no woman who suits me when I feel the way I feel now. I don’t want to be the way I am now. I don’t feel like searching it in men either. It makes me sick to think about it. The only man who is good for me is myself. My higher self. All the rejected parts. My free child. I just want to feel like I felt when I left the clinic. When I identified with men, and I wasn’t yet the man without sex. When I belonged, and I felt like an equal to others, and not so inferior. When the child was free. And I felt combative and very good…
Now I feel empty… and displaced… as if I no longer have a home. No longer have a purpose. I no longer feel who I am sexually. I am constantly disappointed in myself. And in my head it is a real battlefield. A battlefield where the battle is over. And everyone is dead. And where everything has failed. And I stand there, badly battered, but far from defeated…
