Dr. Peeters wondered if I could become so anxious that I became psychotic. Or maybe the psychosis was source of anxiety? She gave me another drug to go with my Effexor, and Risperdal, called Zoloft. When I took this, I immediately became psychotic. Again, I felt like I had a woman’s body, and it made me panic. By then it was clear to Dr. Peeters that the psychosis was source of anxiety, and I had a psychotic vulnerability, and gave me a referral to the Center for Psychosis, in a neighboring town.
Meanwhile, I never wanted to be angry again, because Dr. Peeters had so disapproved of this. This ensured that I had learned to stop expressing my anger all the time and that a healthy way of experiencing my aggression was stimulated, precisely because of the unpleasant treatment: aggression under control. Subconsciously, however, I now thought that I was only allowed to be nice to women, and also in this I clearly crossed boundaries. During these years I began to hit on women around me obsessively. Didn’t matter if they were taken. I was so desperate that I tried it on everyone around me. Of course, they had figured this out and predicted it at the Center for Psychosis, and they tried to treat me with the help of the activity counselors at the activity center of the mental health facility. Only I didn’t realize that at the time. What I did realize was that every time I had discussed something with my case manager at the mental health facility, there would be comments about the same thing from the activity counselors at the activity center. They said they were not in touch, but it was just way too coincidental every time.
However, when an attractive and cool intern was hired there, who was going to get involved with me a lot, I realized what was happening. I expressed to an activity counselor that I thought they were getting instructions on how to treat me. And the next day, this tough intern said in response to a question of hers that I answered, “Wow, you’re really smart!” Which was really completely out of place in that context. And then it was completely clear to me. I was being treated, and they wanted to let me know indirectly that I was right about these thoughts. I came to understand over time that I had both positive and negative “delusions of reference”. And that the activity supervisors were instructed to confront me about these situations precisely by saying things that applied to me.
When I finally started hitting on several women at once, all were taken, out of total desperation, and one of those ladies with the same name as my second girlfriend, Tanja, took the bait, the heat was on. Because my anger was now completely rejected, and all my strength had been sucked out of me over the years, I couldn’t do anything sexually anymore, but in the meantime I was always hitting on women around me, with the goal of a sexual relationship. It was clear that by hurting me well, they had to unlearn this, otherwise there would be a big chance that the hurts I would get in the future would be disastrous.
But anyway, Tanja took the bait. And had her sights set on me. I refused. I had hit on her first with all kinds of sweet remarks, but now that she was biting, I couldn’t give her what I wanted to give her at all, and I became so anxious that I set a big limit. Besides, Tanja had a boyfriend at home, and I was terrified that she would end that relationship, and then become disappointed in me, and then have no one. So I explained, and since then she cooled down. But I still felt like I was only allowed to be sweet, and crossed boundaries in that again. So at a certain point Tanja came to the activity center and said she felt strange, probably because she felt the infatuation towards me again because of my sweet remarks, but she couldn’t do anything with that feeling. She started talking to our project supervisor. And since then she turned 180 degrees. It was as if she was a different person. She now seemed to be actively participating in my treatment. And rejected me again and again in very cunning ways, which can only be thought up by very clever psychiatrists. I thought: is Tanja still Tanja? At a certain moment she hurt me incredibly, and it instilled in me the conviction that I was not allowed to be angry, but also not allowed to be sweet. Then it escalated. I became furious. I was now giving myself permission to be furious, without it being obsessive. It was authentic anger, even if it was still very raw, and I scolded her big time.
My project supervisor and Tanja, were then again full of disapproval against me, but one of the male activity supervisors supported me, and gave me a sausage roll for free. It was clear that they treated me exactly the opposite as my parents had done in the past. The male figure, who used to disapprove (my father), was now rewarding me (activity counselor), and the female figure, who used to be hurt (my mother), was now disapproving (project supervisor + Tanja). It was so obvious that I was being treated, and that was oil on the fire!
Having experienced this negative rejection from Tanja, I then moved on to another young girl, Celina, with a peculiarity, she was a lesbian. That didn’t matter to me, desperate as I was. I started trying to hit on her too, until I celebrated New Year’s Eve at her house with her. I was totally smitten with her again. A few days after New Year’s, she suddenly posted about 10 texts on her Facebook profile, and every one of them related to me. It was clear that she rejected me, but she did so in such a loving way, that I was so touched, that after I had expressed my anger at Tanja (who rejected me in a mean way), my grief was triggered now, and I let go of this anger for good. It was symbolic of my dear mother whom I now let go of and who was always there for me, when I was afraid, or needed her, and it was very great grief. For hours I cried, it was so intense. I expressed it to Celina, and she said the text she posted applied to her, but I knew it was a lie. This wasn’t getting triggered by someone by chance. This was targeted treatment.
But then the question was: does the mental health facility instruct patients at the activity center to give me targeted treatment? This sounds ridiculous, of course, and no one with whom I voiced my suspicions could believe this. But I am firmly convinced that these so-called patients did have instructions, but not as patients but as…. agents of the Matrix. The people who were treating me in such a targeted way were all taken over for the purpose of treating me, but I would not realize that until much later!
