This morning I left early with my sister to visit my brother. He came to live a little closer than Amsterdam, in Utrecht, together with his wife and 3 children, and it was the first time I saw his new home. It was a long day. The way in was quite nice with my sister, although she had a dramatic and accusive energy! And she has that since she was taken over. Luckily I have become a little less sensitive to it lately. At first it really drained me quite a lot, but not anymore. I’ve had the same with my parents since they have been taken over. My sister showed her best side to my brother. She showed a lot of patience with the youngest child, helped my brother with all kinds of things, paid attention to everyone, played the piano beautifully, and then you ask yourself: what’s wrong then that it comes to a confrontation? That was the way back! She said one word to me and the rest of the time she said she was exhausted, and she showed a kind of passive-aggressive attitude, which is very annoying. I didn’t react to it openly, but it bothers me immensely and I’m sure that when I say something, her passive aggression will turn into active aggression. I felt to have been deposited at home like a piece of filth, as I often have lately when we drive back home from certain things. And then it is so obvious to me that this is not my dear sister of old, but a cold actress, who killed my sister and pretends she’s her. Later, when I confronted her with her attitude via Whatsapp, she couldn’t understand it, of course, and a long list of all the things she did that day, probably against her will, but which she felt obliged to do as an actress who mimics my sister. To which I said: “You killed my sister and expect a bouquet of flowers for it??? Don’t you realize how insane you are?” Now a lot of people will think that I’m the one who’s insane, and I don’t fucking care about that. I know and recognize my sister when I see her and this is not my sister. She must have gone through a huge personality change without therapy that cannot otherwise be explained. In the phone conversation that followed, she called me a baby, because yes, if you are not as insensitive as she behaves, then of course you are a baby. If you aren’t being able to withstand her passive aggression, then you don’t belong. The lack of self-awareness she shows is unbelievable. And I don’t know my sister like that. On the contrary, my sister was very self-aware, and always took responsibility for her behavior, she was even too responsible at moments. But no, not anymore. She has become a real dragon, with a poisonous energy under the skin, but she acts with understanding and compassion. She seems to behave exactly like my sister, but it’s just outward appearances. Meanwhile, she’s transferring an energy that is very focused on these outward appearances, and she’s trying to put me asleep, as if nothing’s wrong. But she will not succeed in doing that!
I miss my real sister very much… She has always been very important to me. A real sweet twin sister, with whom I could talk about the most profound things. I love her very much. With no one I had such a unique relationship. We developed an very tight bond, always growing up together and being in the same boat. It was a bond that can’t be broken. And now it’s destroyed by these killers. At times in the past I hated my sister too, but I always cared for her, and always wanted to protect her. That I didn’t succeed in doing that, is horrible, and bothers me terribly. I intensely hope that she is in a good place…
The same problems I have with my sister, I also have with my parents. Between us, essential things have happened in my life that eventually made our bond very strong. My parents are the best of people. Yes, they have made certain mistakes, but in the process of processing these mistakes, which I was guided through in my therapies, I confronted them with these mistakes. They were very bothered by the reality of the situation and they put even more effort in our relationship to make it right, because they always did do their utmost. In the end, we couldn’t be angry anymore with each other about anything. We had grown to be that close and harmonious. Through a recent confrontation in which my sister, taken over that she is, was annoying to the bone as far as corona was concerned, which caused an outburst of anger in me, and the subsequent disapproval that followed from my parents, it dawned on me that my parents are no longer who they say they are. My mother suddenly expressed her anger, while she never did that in her whole life. And so did my father. And apparently it’s all my fault. Whereas before that we were never angry with each other anymore. Now I realize that confronting my parents all these years has made a great impression on them, and that my reactions to them have been rather disapproving, even though that was never my intention. Because of course my parents are allowed to be angry with me. Now I realize that I should have encouraged them a bit more to do so, because my parents also have some trouble expressing their anger, due to their past. The entities which are now in my parents’ bodies, have taught me to realize that the effect I had on my real parents in recent years, was not the effect I intended, because my mother felt very guilty, and my father thought that he should never be angry again. I regret that that was the effect of my reactions to them.
I miss my real parents very much, and I wish I could tell them what I know now. I love them very much and I hope, just like with my sister, that they are in a good place. I forgive them 100% for the things that went wrong, and am very grateful for all what I received and learned from them, and that’s certainly a lot!